our littlest fighter, elle (prematurity awareness month)

This essay is dedicated to my littlest fighter, our peanut, Elizabeth Kristin. Elle, I cannot wait to share all of this with you when you are old enough to understand how proud you should be of yourself and how far you have come in your beautiful life. My extraordinary daughter, you will move mountains. 

Dearest Elle,

You entered the world at less than 27 weeks gestation. You were wide eyed and shocked as the doctors pulled you from my womb to join your sister who was already being assessed by the NICU team. We did not hear your sweet cry until later but were relieved to know you were alive and able to breathe on your own with the help of a CPAP. 

There is a four minute difference in delivery time between you and emmy. Four of the scariest minutes of my life as the whole room erupted into a flurry of motion as our delivery team tried their best to carefully deliver your tiny, fragile body earth side. Four minutes that seemed like an eternity as your father and I held hands, locked eyes, and prayed you would survive. I thank God each day the doctors and nurses were successful and no harm was caused to you by the emergency c-section. 

We prayed so much for you and your sister. Especially for your health upon delivery because there was so much we did not know. 

Elle, you are our giver. In medical terms they call you the "donor" triplet. I remember watching you on the ultrasound machine before we were able to have the laser ablation surgery to correct TTTS. You looked completely stuck. The week before at our checkup you were moving around just like both of your sisters but this appointment everything was different. You had barely any amniotic fluid left. Your bladder had already disappeared. The doctors told us with kind eyes and hushed voices that you and your sisters did not have any chance of survival without the surgery. We now call you our "giver" because in the womb you gave away your blood and nutrients to your sisters but now even as a toddler you have the most amazing way of helping and calming others. You can tell when someone needs an extra hug or smile. Your compassion for others is so strong and my hope is it continues to grow and develop the older you become. 

After surgery there were further complications that came about from the effects of TTTS. At 21 weeks we were told they did not know what your quality of life would be once you were born but they were optimistic since you had showed us already how much of a fighter you were before, during, and after surgery. You continued to amaze us with your progress each week. You were smaller than your sister but were growing and that's all that mattered. 

Elle, you spent 85 days in the NICU before you were able to join us at home. You have small white scars on your arms from the countless IV's, blood draws, and tests conducted during your first several weeks of life. I know you will always wear these scars proudly because they are truly your marks of bravery of all you endured as you grew and became the feisty toddler you are today. I know and I am thankful you will never remember your time in the NICU but your father and I will always remember every moment. Every set back and every milestone. We will remember the first time you were finally able to wear real clothes, your first bow, the first day you got to move from an isolate to an open crib, the first time you drank from a bottle, the first time we were able to change your diaper or help give you a bath, the first time we were able to leave with you and you were able to finally experience fresh air on your face after 85 days of being inside the hospital.

Your "firsts" have continued long after you left the NICU. We are continuously amazed by your preemie power and strength. I have watched you struggle but never give up from being able to sit up on your own to taking your first steps. Elle, you do everything at your own speed and we have learned that is completely okay. Your number one fan, Katharine Grace, says right now we are, "working on your words." We know you have so much to say and we are becoming more and more excited how each new day brings new words and short phrases. Elle, you have a team of people who care for you and have been crucial to your development. From your physical therapist, speech therapist, service coordinator, neurologist, orthopedic surgeon, audiologist, optometrist, and general care physician, we all are rooting for you. We are all, "Team Elle" and know you are going to be able to accomplish everything you want to do with your life. You are a micro preemie. We cannot change this fact for you or your sister. But it does not define either of you. You both get to decide you own path and future. We are the fortunate ones to be able to continuously watch the miracle that is your life. Elle, thank you for being our littlest fighter. Thank you for never giving up and in turn teaching me to always be an optimist. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for you, our extraordinary Elle. 

Love, Mommy

When I started overwhelmed I told myself I want to be as transparent as possible about my life with my readers. My husband and I were extremely private about the girls when they were first born and during their time in the NICU. It took me over a week to even publicly announce they were born because the first week in the NICU is the most crucial and so much is unknown. The babies really are the ones who set their own path on their NICU journey. I was not ready for the questions from others and I wanted people to be excited when they would see a picture of my beautiful children for the first time. I did not want to be met with worried eyes and sympathetic smiles. So, my husband and I decided we would only share pertinent information with our closest family and friends. We finally posted a picture to social media when emmy and elle were both home from the NICU so everyone could join in on our celebration that our girls were home together at last. 

Now time has passed and a lot of wounds have healed so we feel more open to talking about our journey with others. I have decided I really want to make this space a community to raise awareness for different causes and of course the one cause which is very near to us is prematurity. We want to celebrate our amazing micropreemies. We want everyone to know how far they have come. We want to give hope to other families which are currently walking the same path with their own miracle preemie. By doing this we will be opening up and sharing more about our life but there are some details which we will still hold near to protect our daughters. I know starting a parenting blog can open up my life to scrutiny from outsiders so I wanted to go ahead and be very clear with the purpose of overwhelmed. I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading along as I start this new chapter of sharing what is on my mind and heart. I have loved and been so appreciative of all the comments, messages, and well wishes from everyone who has been reading the posts so far. I truly hope the pieces are making the slightest difference to anyone who is facing any of these similar circumstances. I also invite any of my readers who feel the need to spread awareness to a cause which is important to them to use overwhelmed as a space to do so. I picture overwhelmed as a community because we are all overwhelmed with the challenging and beautiful parts of life. Thank you! 

All images in this post are by the talented Lindsey Lay