"Look for the Helpers"

I will never forget December of 2012 when the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary occurred. I remember walking into my school building the following Monday morning. I looked around my empty classroom and thought to myself, "What would I do to save the lives of all my students?" As a teacher (and now a parent) there is an immediate need to protect the students that are in our care. Parents send their whole hearts to be with us for 7+ hours each weekday. I had multiple parents email me out of concern to know our emergency procedures in case of anything horrific happening at our elementary school. I reassured them time and time again that I would always do everything in my power to keep their children safe. I feel like it is an unspeakable truth between all educators that the children will always come first and I was hoping these words would give the parents some slight ray of hope. 

I also remember receiving an email from our Principal saying we were not allowed to talk about the events of Sandy Hook. He said multiple parents had contacted him and expressed concern about how they did not want their children to know. At the same time we had parents coming in visibly shaken and wanting to give an extra hug and kiss goodbye. Their children were fully aware of what happened and started to talk to their peers about the tragic events. As teachers, this put us in an unusual predicament between how to comfort our students without giving too much away to the children who did not know what had happened only a couple days prior. 

As parents and adults we struggle to figure out why mass shootings and tragedies occur.  This notion makes explaining them to our children even harder. During our math lesson the same morning I had a student raise his hand and ask me when we were going to talk about current events. We discussed current events often through our TIME for Kids articles. He wanted to discuss Sandy Hook. Since the conversation came up organically I told my students about my favorite quote by Mr. Rogers. Many of them were of the age that they knew of Mr. Rogers and if they did not know of Mr. Rogers then they were at least familiar with Daniel Tiger. I explained how important it is to always look for the helpers and we identified who can be considered a helper. We made a map on the board and came to the conclusion that honestly anyone can be seen as a "helper." As I listen to the stories on the news today it made me think back to this impromptu lesson because the stories of the "helpers" during and after the mass shooting that occurred in Las Vegas last night are all stories of everyday heroes. Heroes who saw their fellow man in need and sprang to action to help in any way they could. Thank God for the everyday heroes. 

There’s no one way to address tragedies with children, and how parents approach it depends both on the child’s age and temperament. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend avoiding the topic with children until they reach a certain age – around 8, but again, it depends on the child. Our Principal took guidance from the APA and AAP when he sent out the memo about keeping quiet. I do agree there is no right way to speak with your children about why these awful events continue to happen but I want to repost some advice which will hopefully help guide conversations. This advice was taken from a couple different articles and I will post their links below. 

“If it doesn’t directly affect your family, kids under 8 do not need to hear about this,” says Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a parenting expert. Before this age, children struggle to process it.

But parents should talk to their younger children about mass shootings if they are at risk of hearing it from others, she says.

While advice varies by age, Gilboa provides a general recommendation for all parents faced with telling their children about the latest mass shooting.

“First, you have to process your own emotional response. What you do will affect them more than what you say,” she says. “Have your first reaction away from your child.”

She also provides the following recommendations for sharing bad news with children of all ages.

Preschool-kindergarten: One-sentence story

“You have to figure out before you talk to them what story you want them to tell themselves,” she says.

With young children, Gilboa recommends that parents keep their stories simple. These stories should reinforce parents’ beliefs. Perhaps, parents want their children to know that a bad man hurt people. Maybe parents want their children to know that someone with a serious illness felt angry and hurt people.

“You are going to give a one-sentence story to anyone under 6,” she says.

This might be a chance to change the conversation, too. Try to focus on the positives, such as the heroes of the story.

Elementary school children: Shield them

Again, parents need to decide on the takeaway message. Children in this age group will ask many more interrogative questions and parents need to decide how much they want to share.

Gilboa stresses that parents should prevent their children from seeing pictures or the news because the images will stick with children longer than words. If children do see pictures, she recommends that parents show their children positive photos to counteract the negative.

“Let’s see if we can replace those memories and balance it out by showing the positives and the amazing people who rushed to help,” she says.

Tweens: Listen to their feelings

Start the conversation by asking tweens if they heard about the latest shooting.

“If you are going to talk [about] a fraught or laden topic … you start with a pretest. You are going to ask how they feel about it,” Gilboa says.

If they have heard of it, listen to their feelings. If they haven’t heard of it, parents have an opportunity to share their beliefs while gaining better insight into their tweens.

“[This becomes] a great conversation of their values and your values that do not focus on the particular gore [but] more on the person you are raising,” she says.

Teens: Look for solutions

Again, Gilboa says parents should ask their teens if they have heard of the latest tragedy and allow them to share their feelings.

But teenagers will expect more.

“Teenagers are looking for hypocrisy and solutions and this generation believes in collaboration and social justice. And they are going to ask ‘What are you doing,’” she says. “You can answer and then ask ‘what are you doing? What would you like to do? What can we do together?”

Teaching teenagers to work toward change will help them be resilient, she says. She stresses that parents still need to listen to their teens’ feelings and display empathy.

“I think for anyone action makes us feel effective,” Gilboa says. “What we want our kids to do when [they] see something wrong is to try to fix it.”

(This excerpt is from the article published today from the Today Show, 10-2-17)

Today Show- How to talk to Children about Shootings: An age-by-age guide

American Psychological Association